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Wednesday, May 9, 2012
sadness is a blessing :: it's just a song @ 8:28 AM

In a weird stage of my relationship right now. Has anyone been on a break? This is so confusing.

I was at work and thought, maybe I should put my relationship in a pro and con list. And when I started writing, I thought, how the heck could I quantify love in pros and cons. The cons turn into pros, the pros turn into cons. So I decided to just write down exactly what I felt when I was with him.

And it turned into this sort of stream of consciousness. . . . . . .

I hate uncertainty. I miss his voice. I miss his enthusiasm, so contagious. I miss laying next to him in bed, the feel of his chest under my fingers. My hands held in his. I like my freedom. I like my adventure and spontaneity. I like walking around with him in parks, idling, laughing, joking. I don't like being the only one trying. Will you be happy with me? Will we be happy together?

I like our naps. I like your laugh. I like the way your face crumples when you sleep. I like the way you care for me when we're out. I like the warmth of your hand on my lower back and the way your voice sounds when you ask, "Are you sure you're okay?". I love the way my name sounds when it tumbles from your lips. You rarely say it.

I like kissing your neck, your chest, your ears, your arms, your hip. I like massaging your back, making you feel happy. I like seeing your name pop up on my phone when you text me, the sound of your ringtone when you call. I love the image of you in my kitchen, cooking for me. I love the feel of your strong arm when it snakes around my waist and the wetness of your lips when you kiss my neck.

What don't I like? I don't like my jealousy. That flash of jealousy I feel when you talk about pretty girls, when I see your eyes following a girl. I joke about it with you but a part of me will always feel a tad bit jealous. It's healthy, yes? I convince myself of this.

I like that I can be vulnerable in front of you. It took a long time but it happened. I'm just sorry it took so long.

I don't know what to do now. I don't know what's ahead of us.

All I know is that sometimes my heart hurts. And sometimes I miss you so much.


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