*sigh*

Yes, yes, yes I'm jumping on the bandwagon.

I usually hate making these because for the first 2 weeks of January, it's all anyone can ever talk about. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it feels like such an empty flash fad that sometimes I feel it's worthless to even talk about it if no one follows through with it.


I made one last year and kind of stuck through with it and it definitely changed me. For the better. So I thought I would do it again this year.

Just background info, for 2010 my resolution was to say "Yes". I was always a super cautious person and not very sociable. I liked my small circle of friends and usually stuck with them. I would keep getting invited out by coworkers or casual acquaintances but I would always decline, to the point where they would ask, "Seriously, do you just not want to hang out with us??".

It wasn't that I didn't want to hang out, more that I was happy in my comfort zone.

Well, 2010 rolled around and I wanted to change that. I don't know what made me do it, maybe just the thought of an unexpected life spurred me on. The idea that saying "Yes" would open more doors and opportunities for me. And it did.

The first month was kind of hard. I had to really consciously say "Yes". My initial instinct was to say "No", decline with a polite shake of the head. To actually say "Yes" was much, much harder. But then as months passed by, I realized I didn't even have to think about it anymore. "Yes" became something much more natural, something I didn't have to think about.

And so I declared my 2010 resolution a success.


I try not to have too many resolutions because I feel if you want to change or improve something about yourself, you really need to focus on it. So my main resolution is this. . .


Haha, what a weird resolution right? Actually, it's not something that can easily be explained. It's not a cut and dried, "Say YES!" resolution. It's more of a personal, and therefore much harder, kind of resolution.

I've always been a person who my friends called cold-hearted. I'm not a vulnerable person. I don't cry. I don't get emotionally hurt. I'm kind of a rock. It doesn't help that the majority of my friends are guys who, honestly, are not known to be the most emotional of people. I always kind of looked down on the girls who would get upset and hurt over every little thing and while I was always the one helping them or picking up the pieces, at the same time I was thinking, "DUDE. Man the FUCK up!".

And I never voiced my emotions. I voiced everything else (I think I'm the TMI queen of my group of friends), but never my real emotions. If I did feel upset over something, I wouldn't ever say it. My whole schtick was, "Keep it quiet, get over it". And it's worked for me.

Except. . .except I noticed that it just made me harder. And more jaded. And more cynical. Like a prickly shell growing over me. And I realized that I didn't really like the person it made me. Sure it had it's pros. I've never really gotten emotionally hurt, haven't had my heart broken and it's easy for me to move on. But it also has it's cons. I didn't give anyone the chance to hurt me. And while that sounds weird to want that, I realize now that it's all part of life's experiences.

Like that horrible Chumbawumba song: I get knocked down, but I get up again (and now it's stuck in my head, ugh).

So basically, long fucking blog short, I'm gonna be more emotional. I'm gonna try to express my emotions more. And because expressing myself is something I find really fucking difficult (except through blog form apparently), it's gonna take a lot of baby steps. But hopefully, it'll end up the way my 2010 resolution ended up; becoming so ingrained in my routine and personality that I won't even realize I've changed.

Labels: i am woman hear me rawr