about ● chat ● links ● archives

The Dating Game
:
For Your Own Sake, It's Probably Not A Good Bet To Be The "Other Woman"

There are many reasons not to get involved with someone who is otherwise monogamously committed to another person. It's not because you're a slut destined to ever by unhappy, or because you're betraying some sisterhoodly duty to prevent someone else's man-child from betraying her. It is, however, because, regardless of what your relationship or dating goals are, you're likely setting yourself up for failure (let alone a whole raft of shit, which you know if you've been reading my comment threads).

There are really two basic reasons to get get involved with anyone - for temporary fun, or to get into a relationship. If you're out looking for someone to pass a little naked time with, well, supposedly monogamously committed men (or women, or whoever - I'm using male pronouns here but feel free to sub in the pronoun of your choice) are less likely to be looking to settle down with you most of the time, but they're high maintenance fucks. You'll never be able to go to his place, he's likely to have trouble paying for things (since many married couples have some co-mingled finances), he'll have to sneak around to see you and he'll probably rarely, if ever, be able to stay particularly late or sleepover. Plus, if he's just fucking around, he's obviously courting drama at home and, if he gets caught, he'll totally throw you under the bus even if his significant other doesn't find your contact info and contact you. And, having been on the receiving end of that contact from a pissed-off wife (who thought I was boning her husband, when in fact, I was the unwelcome recipient of his attentions and otherwise involved), that's never going to be a fun conversation. Regardless, if your goal in getting involved with someone is to have a little fun with little drama, married (and supposedly monogamous) men are going to be drama from start to finish.

If you're looking for a relationship, well, the problem with getting involved with a cheater is even more clear: The man is already telling you by trying to get involved with you that he has commitment problems. Monogamy, after all, is a choice - and one he made - and by getting involved outside of his relationship , he's basically telling you that, at a minimum, his communication skills suck, and it seems smarter to him to sabotage his own life, set his current partner up for more than just the pain of a break-up and just engage in all the drama of an affair rather than have a conversation with his current partner that their relationship isn't working. And that's a kind interpretation - after all, he could just be a guy who gets off on the power trip of fucking around on his partner, or he could have made a commitment he never intended on keeping, or he could just be a pathological liar. Whatever his personal pathology, if your goal is to find a partner with whom you can have a solid relationship - monogamous or otherwise - getting involved with someone too weak to leave a bad relationship with less than solid communication skills is probably setting yourself up for failure even if he leaves . . . and, quite often, he won't.

And yes, I am perfectly aware that two people can fall in love - real love - even when one of them is otherwise committed. The question is, of course, what the committed person chooses to do about those emotions: he or she has to decide whether the existence of them is worth ending the pre-existing relationship over, or whether the existence of them does not and will never trump the pre-existing relationship. But you're not going to ever figure that out in bed together, and creating the golden parachute of a new relationship to cushion the end of the old is actually not a comfortable way to cushion a fall - gold's pretty heavy, after all.

(One caveat: I do acknowledge the existence of people who get off on the power trip of fucking other people's partners. Most people who end up the third party in a relationship aren't doing it maliciously or because they are turned on by the thought of screwing up other people's lives - but, certainly, they do exist. I realize that the few people who view sex or relationships as a conquest and a committed person as a harder target to obtain are, indeed, pretty fucked up people, and, in my experience, pretty easy to spot. The woman, for instance, who snagged one of my hook-ups' cell phone while we were hooking up in a bar to program her number into it just to prove she could fuck him too is a pretty good example of how they are easy to spot. And so even if someone was actively pursuing your partner to "win", he or she still chose to allow them to "win" - and it says some about the person who was committed to you that they found that attractive.)

At the end of the day, though, I can say all I want about why it's a bad idea. Nina Simone sang it far better than me years ago - and without slut shaming either.




My Thoughts:

I belong to the first group of people the blog is talking about, the group that's just looking for temporary fun. However, just because I'm looking for temporary fun doesn't mean that I'm looking for cheaters or that I want to be the "Other Woman". There seems to be this assumption that women like me, who don't necessarily want a relationship, are 'easy fun loving slutty girls' who the other 'I Want A Relationship'-upstanding Good Girls' have to protect their boyfriends from. Sorry, but no. I have no desire in breaking up a relationship, no desire in being with someone who's so selfish that he has to have his girlfriend and a piece on the side. I have no desire in being the second option, in being the secret woman. And I'm tired of guys concealing the fact that they have girlfriends because they're too scared/sleazy/fucked up to just be with one girl at a time. Look, if you want to date around, date around! Don't be in a relationship with someone and then cheat on her. There's really no point.

And if you're operating by the "A Taken Man Is Kryptonite To Other Women" theory, well honey, you're into the wrong women. Because the women who find the fact that you're in a relationship attractive, well that's the same woman who will later do you dirty, and not in that XXX porn star way that you're imagining.

Song Of The Day:

Artic Monkeys : Bigger Boys & Stolen Sweethearts

As always, click on the above link and change xx to tt.

No official music video, but you can preview the song below:


(Verse 1)
There's always somebody taller, with more of a wit.
And he's equipped to enthral her, and her friends think he's fit.
But you just cant measure up tho', you dont have a prayer.
wishing you'd made the most of her, when she were there...
They've got engaged- there's no intention of a wedding.
He's pinched your bird and he'll probably kick your head in...

(Chorus 1)
Bigger boys and stolen sweethearts.
Oh you're better off without her anyway.
You said you was'nt sad to see her go;
Yeah but I knowt you were though...

( Verse 2 )
Now you dont know what she's up to; you can only assume.
If she's not out front o' the shops then they've gone to his room.
She's gone round in her school stuff- I bet thats what he likes.
I know you thought she were different, you thought she were nice.
But she's not nice- She's pretty fuckin' far from nice.
She's looking at you funny, rarely looking at you twice...

(Chorus 2)
Bigger boys and stolen sweethearts.
You're better off without her anyway.
You said you was'nt sad to see her go;
Yeah but it's clear you were though...

(Verse 3)
Have you heard what she has been doing?
Never did it for me.
He picks her up at the school gate at twenty-past three.
She's been with all o' the boys but never went very far.
And She's wagged english and science, just to go in his car...
They've got engaged- there's no intention of a wedding.
He's pinched my bird and he'll probably kick my head in,
Oh,Now the girls have grown;
Yeah but i'm sure that they still carry on in similar ways...?

(Chorus 3)
Bigger boys and stolen sweethearts
Oh I'm better off without her anyway.
I said i wasnt sad to see her go;
But I'm only pretending you know?
Yeah, I'm only pretending you know?
I was only pretending you know...?