Another article/excerpt for GRRL mag BUST. This is actually part of a longer article but I only jotted down the parts that really interested me.


Girls Just Wanna Have Sex

When Freud asked his classic question, "What do women want?" he said it as though he thought it was some kind of top secret information that we chicks had, but just didn't feel like sharing. The problem is, of course, that is it very difficult for us to know what we want. I mean, how could we? We are given so many conflicting messages about what's expected from us -- what we're supposed to look like (as fragile and beautiful as Kate Moss, as pneumatic and crass as Pamela Lee, as sexually aggressive as Lil' Kim, and as sexually demure as Jewel), what we're supposed to do (have orgasms from straight intercourse), and how often we're supposed to do it (a few fucks before marriage are okay, as long as we really love the guy) - that it's simply impossible to find a place we can fit into comfortably. When they say that women hit their sexual peak at age thirty-five, it's not hard to understand why. It takes us that long to figure out what the hell we want.

The message guys get is a lot clearer. "I have a dick, therefore I fuck" is what most men are encouraged to believe. A male sex-advice columnist once remarked that "guys feel they have the right to whatever it is that gets them off," and it's true. Women, on the other hand, have a very hard time thinking this way. It's still the case that if you like having sex a lot, you're a whore, and if you don't, you're frigid. If having a guy come all over your face doesn't send you into shivers of sexual ecstasy, well then, there's probably something wrong with you. To confuse matters even more, we are given the not-so-subtle message that sexual attractiveness and sexual satisfaction are one and the same. If we just cut all the fat from our diets, go to the gym three times a week, and wear the right lingerie, we'll be able to attain sexual nirvana. Of course, that's not how it works. The thing we women are never encouraged to do is to focus on what actually makes us feel good.

Exile In Guyville

One strategy we've used is to try playing by the boys' rules. Our motto has been "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" - if it seems like we can't arrive at a balance of power between the sexes, then at least we want our fair share of it. Madonna preached that boys should be our toys, and we tried playing with them as much as we could. When Deborah Iyall belted out "I might like you better if we slept together", we brazenly sang along, threatening boys with the promise that we could be just as singleminded in our quest for sex as they were.

Of course, this strategy has also led to a good number of disappointments. No matter whose rules we play by, sometimes it feels like we just can't win. Erica Jong realized this way back in 1973, when, describing her ideal of the "zipless fuck," she wrote:

"It is free of ulterior motives. The man is not 'taking' and the woman is not 'giving'. . .The zipless fuck is the purest thing there is. And it is rarer than the unicorn."

Liz Phair echoed that refrain when she expressed her disillusion with guys who "Fuck and Run," and Courney Love let us know how she felt about many men:

"They get what they want, and they never want it again".

Neverless, it's important that casual sex remain a part of a girl's repertoire. When a book like The Rules encourages women to use sex as a bargaining chip - as something to trade for that elusive male commitment - it suggests that, for women, sex can't be considered a reward in itself. But whether you're sleeping with a guy on the first date to prove what a sexual rebel you are, or waiting until the fifth to show what a respectable woman you are, you aren't sleeping with the guy for the only reason that should matter: because you're so hot for him that just thinking about it gives you a wettie. This is what having sex like the guys is all about: It's not about numbers, or emotional detachment. It's about desire; it's about going after what you want.

My Views: YES YES YES. Yes to all of this.

Re: the First Half. How are women supposed to know what they want when there's all this conflicting information going around? The girls of today, who want to act free and be free, are constantly being held back by the girls of yesterday. Women who want to be sexually liberated are being told that they are being too 'loose' or too 'easy'. We feel like we should fit all these roles; we can be sexy in the bedroom, but have to be demure with company. GOD FORBID we talk about sex like we enjoy it. No, that's just for the easy girls!

Part of what made me research all this feminist lit is because of this observation. As I've grown older, I realized I don't fit into the '60's mold of what a woman is supposed to be. If I enjoy sex, so be it! Let me enjoy sex! But apparently, talking about sex is bad; Women can have sex, we just can't talk about it. We can enjoy it, we just can't enjoy it too much. We are given this short leash on sexual behavior. . .do this, but don't do it too much! Women can do doggy style, we just can't act like we enjoy it. It's two different views being pushed upon us at all times. . .and it just leaves us confused.

Re: The second half. YES YES YES. In my college years, I noticed this sort of rebellion take place. I no longer wanted to be viewed as one of those girls that followed 'The Rules'. I was tired of being lumped into the same category as the sad girls who sat by their phones and waited for the boys to call them. I wanted to take charge of my sexual freedom. I wanted to be different. So I did this. . .I joined the boys. I left the 'girly' ranks and decided that I was going to act like a boy, be like a boy, view sex like a boy.

This may or may not have worked. If anything, it's left me with a confused feeling. Women aren't meant to be men. Acting like a boy was just that. . .acting. . .and at the end of the day, instead of feeling empowered by it, I just felt empty.

On another point, I was discussing the whole 'Sex Rules' with my girlfriends. You know, the question that girls ask themselves, "When is the right time to have sex with your partner?". To my dismay, I noticed that most of my friends had a timeline! "Oh, at least a month" or "I let him get to third on the 2nd date and then a home run on the 5th!"

How horrible! Why are women following these rules? When I pressed to ask them WHY they would wait, the most common answer? I don't want to seem easy. REALLY? You're basing your own pleasure on what someone else might think of you?

But whether you're sleeping with a guy on the first date to prove what a sexual rebel you are, or waiting until the fifth to show what a respectable woman you are, you aren't sleeping with the guy for the only reason that should matter: because you're so hot for him that just thinking about it gives you a wettie. This is what having sex like the guys is all about: It's not about numbers, or emotional detachment. It's about desire; it's about going after what you want.

Like the above says, Sex isn't about numbers! It's not about when or how. It's about your own desire. As women, we should know that we have the right to get what we want. Don't base your needs on what you think is socially appropriate. The only person you're depriving is yourself.

PART II. . .TO BE CONTINUED

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