This is Part III of the BUST Mag Guide to Dont's For Boys! Part 1 can be found here, Part 2 here.

Part III: Sex

Here is a fact: We like doing it and chances are we like doing it with you! The way to keep our sex lives happy and healthy is to open the lines of communication. We want you to do certain things and we are not afraid to tell you, and we hope you will do the same thing with us. However, if you are going to be a jerk about our sex play, there will be problems. Here are some.

-- Do not ever fuck me, come inside me, and then say "I gotta go," 'cause if you do, you'd better.

-- Do not fuck me on Sunday and not call me till Wednesday. Call me on Monday. Remember this little rhyme: SunDay called MonDay in OneDay.

-- Morning breath is not a disease. We both have it, so get over it and kiss me when we wake up together.

-- Don't touch all the good parts while I'm sleeping unless it's with intent to wake me.

-- Don't sniff my undies. It creeps me out.

-- Don't keep telling me your parents won't hear us.

-- Don't ask me to fuck your friends. How would you like it if I asked you to. . .wait.

-- Your not ejaculating is a mystery to me and a source of extreme anxiety about my body. So, if it happens, bear with me, and help me realize it's not because I am unattractive or unsexy.

-- Don't ask me how many guys I've slept with. I can barely keep count sometimes.

-- Don't ever try to have sex with me with your socks on. It makes me think of Woody Allen and Richard Nixon. And look at them.

-- "Don't touch" doesn't mean "Wait, touch."

-- Don't forget that foreplay means the play before, and play is fun.

-- It's embarrassing for both of us when the equipment doesn't work. But I still don't understand the mechanics of it. I'll still like you if you 'splain stuff, so tell me.

-- Don't forget that my nipples are not detachable, nor can they tune in Tokyo.

-- Don't get uptight if I want to masturbate. Help or watch; it looks pretty cool.

-- Don't ask me to count my orgasms after we do it.

-- Don't tell me how any of your old girlfriends "did anything". Put that stupid shoe on the other foot and see how ugly it looks.

-- Big boys, be gentle.

-- Don't tell me I'm cute when I am trying to be sexy. Pay attention.

-- Don't have sex while you're answering the phone. Get me?

-- Don't say, "Thanks, it was fun!"

-- Don't get lost in the mighty jungle. Remember what Dracula said? "Look into my eyes." Ditto here. When you're going down on me, look up, let me see your eyes. It'll turn me on more.

-- The more, the merrier. Just remember to invite me.

-- Don't be intimidated by my vibrator.

-- Kinky is good. Scary is not.

-- Bring me to a hoo-ha and I will be yours forever.

-- Finger condoms help keep, um, dirt from collecting under your fingernails. Invest.

-- Don't use the following excuses to get out of spending the night with me: have to get up early; curfew, roommate may get lonely; must walk dog.

-- Don't tell me to go down on your first if you are planning to absolutely not go down on me.

-- Don't ask me to swallow anything you wouldn't swallow yourself.

-- Don't tell me that: condoms don't fit; condoms don't feel good; you're allergic.

-- Sex during my period? Ask me if I'm in the mood. See what happens.

-- Don't watch TV during sex unless it's porn.

-- Don't ask me if you're the best; it's not a contest.

-- Don't tell me this won't hurt.

-- Don't tell me you can pull out in time.

-- Do not call me by any other woman's name.

-- Don't tell me I'm not wet enough, like it's an insult.

-- Don't ever ask me if my trip to the gynecologist is a turn-on.

-- Do not insist on videotaping our sexcapades. If you want to make me your fucking costar, ask me if I'd like the part.

-- If you can't come with a condom on, warn me. I may take it personally otherwise.

-- Cuddling is an art form. Master it.

*Italicized means I find it amusing

That's all for this column folks. I have a whole bunch of BUST magazine articles that I read and loved and I'll try to put as much of them up as possible.

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