This is Part II of my BUST Mag Guide to Dont's For Boys! Part 1 can be found here.

Part II: The Relationship

If we are involved in a healthy monogamous relationship, patterns of behavior will become established between the two of us. How we interact with each other as well as how we react to others around us will affect our relationship. Obviously, we will have some problems here and there and that's okay.

-- Don't pester me with lame-ass questions like, "Where is this relationship going?". A relationship is a dynamic and vital form of expression, not a bad plotline or two lost motorists.

-- Stop whining about taking a blood test, especially if you have had needles in your arms for recreational use. I need to be safe about my sex and I ain't got time for your pre-me irresponsible behavior or your lame ass questions.

-- If we get into a long-distance romance, do not freak out when you ring me up at 3 A.M. my time and I am not there. I have a life too, but that does not mean I am out somewhere having sex with someone else.

-- Don't get all bent out of shape if I earn more money than you. It's either old-school machismo or new-school oversensitivity. Just hang, bud, lunch is on me. Today.

-- Don't try to one-up me. If my week was crazy, don't insist yours was crazier. If mine was fantastic, don't insist yours was fantastic-er. Be supportive. That always works wonders.

-- Don't go on tour with your stupid band, on a boring business trip, or on the annual family vay-kay and only call me when you feel like it.

-- Don't borrow my car to cheat on me. I don't want to make payments on the source of a painful memory.

-- Don't tell me you were drunk and don't know how you ended up in some girl's bed naked with a couple of used condoms strewn around.

-- Don't call ME a jealous freak and then act all jealous when you see me cracking up with other boyz.

-- Don't tell me you are having lunch with her so you won't hurt her feelings. You're not that nice, she's not that weak, and I am not that stupid.

-- Don't tell me in an exasperated tone that you have told her over and over again never to call. Here's a thought: If you hang up, she won't call back.

-- Don't come home from vacation with: hickeys on your neck; strange underwear in your suitcase; receipts from Victoria's Secret; a box of condoms with a bunch missing; an unexpected rash; or scratches on your back.

-- Do come home from vacation lovesick for me with a big cool present and a bouncy hard-on.

-- Don't squeeze my juicy butt at parties to prove you own me. Squeeze it at home to prove you want me, right now.

-- Don't forget to introduce me to your friends, unless you know I won't like him/her. In which case, hey, thanks.

-- Don't try to get the waitress's phone number while I'm at the table, or wait until I go to the bathroom and then immediately break up with me upon my return.

-- Don't show all the naked pictures you've taken of me to your loser friends.

-- Don't pretend you were out with the boys last night when I know for a fact that you weren't.

-- Don't put your friends before me. It's me, me, me, FIRST FIRST FIRST. Always.

-- Don't put my choice of friends down. Remember, I never let them put you down, clown.

-- Don't act like we never talked about going to the Virgin Isles together. I'm rarely given to complete delusion.

-- No carnations or single red roses. Not that I want to be your personal Emily Post, but they're corny.

-- Don't order me diet food while I am in the bathroom. Order me cake. Something with chocolate fudge would be great.

-- Don't tell me: not to get hysterical; not to overreact; that I am imagining things; that I am on the rag.

-- Don't forget my birthday, for God's sake.

-- Do not raise your voice or it will only put me off and make me want to remain silent while you lose control of yourself, at which point you will no longer be in control - you'll just be wound up.

-- PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not get possessive. Nothing scares a girl off faster than a possessive partner. If I am having a lunch with a colleague and bump into my ex-lover at their office, it does not mean I stole a "quickie" in the bathroom while my colleague was getting her coat. Please. This cannot be stressed enough. If I am with you, there is a reason. Especially if I am no longer with him.

*Italicized means I find it amusing

Labels: i am woman hear me rawr