Here's the deal. We LOVE men. We do. Really. It's just that sometimes, we just don't get it. Does the term BOY DISEASE mean anything to you? It should. Here is a rather thorough set of guidelines to follow in order to avoid this horrible virus in the Valley Of The Dolls.

In The Beginning. . .

Before we even get to the "relationship" stage, everyone goes through that awkward should-we-or-shouldn't-we phase. You know, do I like him/her, should I ask him/her out, do I consider him/her a friend or what. The key to this stage is honesty. If you remain honest about your feelings, no one gets hurt. Remember, honesty is the best policy.

-- If you like me, ask me out. We're not in high school anymore. If I liked you, I'd ask you out.

-- If we go on a first date, and it doesn't go well, don't bother with "I'll call you." Leave, gracefully.

-- If we fuck on the first date, it doesn't mean I am waiting for an engagement ring to appear on the second date.

-- Sex out of the gate is tough stuff all the way around. That's a fact. Maybe it was a mistake, maybe it was bliss, maybe it was the booze, but whatever it was, let's not ignore it. Maybe we'll just be friends, or maybe we'll never see each other again, but at least we'll know.

-- Don't use being drunk as an excuse for "accidentally" kissing me. If you kiss me, drunk or not, you have a BIG KISS to deal with.

-- Call when you say you're going to call. Because, otherwise, I will wait for you to call. And that's not nice.

-- Don't call me if you haven't gotten over your last girlfriend/boyfriend/mother. I'm not an understudy for a psycho-romantic-drama.

-- Don't lie. I am professional -- I can smell a lie a mile away. You see, I wrote the manual.

-- Don't play footsie over dinner and then behave like nothing has transpired. Hello, have you not seen Flashdance?

-- Don't tell my friends that you think I'm cool and special unless you mean it. Remember the rule of telephone: You tell my friends, they tell me. I end up thinking you're cool and special. Then, when you don't do anything I'll be forced to realize you're not.

-- If you're bi, tell me up front. If you're confused about your sexuality, don't take it out on me or get me tangled in your web of confusion. Plus, if I dig it, think of all the fun junk we could do together.

-- Don't monopolize the conversations with anecdotes about yourself (unless they're really funny). Remember to chat. Asking questions out of sincere interest is very attractive.

-- Don't use the I'm-not-ready-for-a-relationship excuse. Cuz then I'll think you're trying to get rid of me by relying on stale, uninspired stock phrases.

-- Don't screen my calls. It's weird, creepy, and lame.

-- Do not pretend to like me in order to fuck me. If you want to fuck me, tell me. I can engage in sexual discourse without becoming emotionally attached. I can always use a boy toy.

-- Do not tell me that you want to spend the weekend with me and then call me at 10:30 on a Thursday night to bail. Or not call at all. I won't be devastated/emotionally crushed if you don't want to hang out. Of course, I will be disappointed, but being blown off/dissed is much less damaging than not knowing and wondering why, why, why. The latter is based on deception, which does not allow for resolution of feelings; the former is based on honesty, which demands closure.

-- Don't kiss and tell. But, because I know you will, you slob, do me the favor of not degrading me. If you can remember to mention that I'm cool or funny or smart and that you're super lucky to even be telling your friend about my naked-action, you'll at least not be adding insult to the injury.

-- If we live in different cities, and we know we are attracted to each other, don't get all huffy on me when I ask, "So, when will you be in town again?"

-- Don't be afraid of falling in like with me just because I live in a different city. Long-distance romances have their advantages. Sure, it is hard to base your feelings on phone calls, but look at all the fun parts of a long-distance romance; we don't have to see each other all the time, it allows complete exploitation of one's own sexual freedom, and don't forget the keyword in romance -- anticipation.

-- Don't be afraid to fall in like with me, you big baby.

* Italicized = ones I find amusing/true

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